I can sum up my weekend in one emoji:

Yep, it was a rough one. Luckily, the kids were the only ones throwing up, but I sure felt nauseous around all that vomit.

Anyone here love cleaning up vomit at 3 AM?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

My older sister came for Thanksgiving. She has a baby boy that was due weeks before Joseph’s due date, so he’s just about the age that Joseph would be if… well, if.

I was surprised by how much relief I felt watching her take care of her baby. Her baby is 4 months old and adorable, but also at that age that is soooo needy. I’ve done that stage twice before and did not enjoy it a whole lot either time.

I do not particularly enjoy breastfeeding.

I do not like getting up in the middle of the night.

I do not enjoy the anxiety that comes with a new baby.

I do not like being screamed at when I’m not doing exactly what my baby wants me to.

And so I felt relieved not to be in that stage. And then I felt guilty. How could I be relieved? Did that mean I was happy Joseph died?!

My sister is a very wise woman, and so I talked to her about it. After we talked I realized that these feelings were actually an expression of love.

I don’t love all that is involved in taking care of a brand new baby, but I would do it for Joseph.

I went through a failed induction, a c-section, and a long recovery, and it was miserable, but I did it for Joseph.

I guess I thought that love meant enjoying what you were doing all the time, because you love them so much. I’m coming to see love as showing up not because you love it, but because you love them.

Last night, it was my son who barfed at 3 AM. I cleaned him up while Mason changed his sheets and wiped up the floor. I finished first, so I snuggled our boy while we waited.

He was pale, smelly, and shaky, but I felt grateful to get to take care of him. None of it was very fun, but we did it because we love him.

Honestly, I did feel some relief that we didn’t have 4 kids throwing up, rather than 3.

However, I did send a little prayer to heaven letting Joseph know we would have done it for him too. I miss that boy so much.

P.S. Our shop is full of products… finally! Take a look and let us know what you think!

1 comment

I love you stephanie! My son throws up a lot so I really get this struggle! Little ones are exhausting and we go through it all for them because of our undying love for them. You are a great mama to your kiddos no matter where they are. ❤
Little Teardrop Co. replied:
Thanks, Holly! My first threw up all the time and it was the worst. I can definitely commiserate! But somehow, we keep coming back for more because of that love.

Holly Cook

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