I still look back at that day and I can’t believe it.
My whole life changed so quickly.
We were so excited for our fourth baby. I had maternal diabetes, but it was well under control from my diet changes. I was optimistic for the future. I had a whole speech for my doctor to convince him that I didn’t need to start coming in for monitoring twice a week. I had spent the morning playing with my kids.
Why didn’t I see it coming? I went into that appointment with no worries. I didn’t even worry when the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat at first. It took me a while to realize that something was actually wrong.
When we came home from the hospital, I felt like a completely different person.I felt so much older, so much more aged. I couldn’t see how our life could move forward, how anything could ever be okay again. I felt like my dreams of the future were laughable now. Every ache and pain reminded me that I had endured the birth of a baby without the joy of bringing him home.
I still think back today and wonder if I really ever was that person, who thought that the worst that could happen was extra doctors’ appointments. I feel much more optimistic about the future, but I’m more cautious in my dreaming.
One change I am so grateful for is my ability to relate to others and their suffering infinitely more. I wanted to be empathetic before, but I just didn’t have the context for grief.
An experience like this will change you. Some changes you are grateful for, some are hard to accept. That’s okay. Give yourself patience as you grow and change from grief.
What are some changes you have seen in yourself?